Sleepless.

So it's 4:30 as I start writing this. I can't fall asleep. My body is hating me right now :(. Actually it probably has been hating me for a while now. I hardly have any energy lately and it's so hard for me to get my day started. I feel almost helpless to everything but I don't know why, so it ends up sounding like a bad excuse. I mean why else would I possibly feel like this. I don't feel like going to school or studying, have no energy to work out, never get around to keeping everything tidy, can't eat right. I'm just a big mess. Oh and I stay up till crazy hours like this. So on top of everything I get no sleep. Sorry body. :( for abusing you so badly. In a way I hate you so I do it on purpose. I hate you because of your imperfections and because u got fat. So maybe I can torture you enough to change.
On top of everything, things can get soooo damn complicated with Arthur. Sometimes I feel like he takes everything to heart. He also let's me down a lot on little things. But they just get to the point where they add up and become a big mess. Were always pointing fingers at each other when we argue. I just want to know that he sees my side but instead I feel like he tries to find something to pin on me to get outta it. It's just getting so old. Were engaged and suppose to be all in love n stuff. But it's hardly like that. And even when it begins to be my bubble is quickly burst w the reminder of reality I guess. I'm not saying I'm perfect either. But I am very particular...
So guess what! Yes, I finally decided to go against my life long aspersions of being an optometrist. I know I know last time we talked I was telling u how I wasn't going to give up n achieving that would have been a major accomplishment for me. Which it probably would have after all the suffering. However now that I'm engaged life isn't as simple or just all about me. I started thinking about my future. I figured 2-3 yrs to get my BA then from there there is no guarantee that I'll get in the first few years let alone at all. So let's say I get accepted in new York what am I gonna do? Leave everything I know n love behind me? Then it's another 4 years??? So pretty much I'm not exactly gonna be young. And as much as having a good future and successful career have been an ultimate dream for me, I have realized that within those crucial years of my life I will also be faced with other opportunities that I do not want to pass up on. I believe that I can still achieve this dream by going about it another way. So I have decided to change my major to *drumrolllll* business. Yup. I'm so sick of the sciences. And if later being an optometrist is still something I want I still have an opportunity to I just have to take a few classes. So I am looking forward to this change and hoping it would bring me a new found motivation to do my best in this new chapter in my life.
Well. There is so much in my head that needs to be sorted. So I'm going to attempt once again to try to sleep n let it sort itself out. Till next time...

Engagement Bliss! : }

I can't believe it's been about a month and a half since Arthur and I got officially engaged! It is crazy how everything just fell into place...and turned out perfect! All in all, I just feel sooo blessed to have found my soul mate at this point in my life! I can not wait to spend eternity with him! I'm sure this upcoming year will be filled with some of our best times, as we plan our wedding, and enjoy our engagement!

I start school next week...and as much as I have enjoyed winter break, I am ready for yet another semester, and what is hopefully going to be my last before I attend Cal State. I am nervous and excited at the same time, as I'm sure its going to be a whole new experience. I really feel that once I begin my classes there, I will have a refreshed motivation towards my career goals of becoming an optometrist. At times, it seems like such a big mountain to climb, and with so many distractions, I find it soo easy to get side tracked, and to even say, hey, forget about optometry. I really hope I can continue to stay on track and not get distracted by life. I am sure that once I accomplish this, (probably one of the biggest accomplishments of my life) I will be soo glad and proud of myself, and I'm sure my family will as well! I am so glad to have Arthur by my side during this time, as he has been a GREAT support system for me! I've never had someone believe in me so much! (THANK YOU BABE!) I have realized how easy it would be to..., well take the easy way out, but I am so determined to challenge myself and push myself to do something great. I know that it will be worth it years later, when I achieve the lifestyle I have always imagined! I just have to have FAITH and just find my motivation and drive.

Just over three months ago, I started my new job at an optometry office that was suppose to be busier then the one I was currently at...and although I cant say I'm 100% happy as to the point where I can see myself there forever, I think it has been a positive step in my career. Not to mention that I don't see myself working through college...these science classes drain you! But with the planning of a wedding, and starting off on our own, its not going to be a easy decision. I suppose I will work as long as I can, but at what point do I say, okay, this is where I stop contributing financially, and start focusing on my education? I feel almost as though there will never be a " right time" for that...especially with our given circumstances. I'm just hoping that things will work themselves out.

I have such split feelings about my future! The part I am most looking forward to is not having to say good bye to Arthur every night! :) It's the worst having to be away from him. I'm so excited about picking our own place, and decorating it, furnishing it, and calling it our own! I would imagine that I would be very meticulous about our home and its cleanliness, but what if I feel lazy? Or what if I am so overwhelmed with work and/or school?? Does that mean I'm not ready?? :-/ And I must admit, my menu is NOT very extensive...I need to get a cook book and start bugging momma and grandma for some recipes! :) Hope Arthur wont be ordering pizza behind my back. lol There are just lots of unknowns about our future, but I guess that's what make it exciting! Obviously, I'm going to try to be the best wifey ever and make Arthur as happy and as proud as I possibly can!

Well, considering that tomorrow is my second to last day off before school starts, I should go to bed so I can wake up and be ready for Arthur to come over for lunch then ...well who knows!
Till next time, ...CIAO!