So it's 4:30 as I start writing this. I can't fall asleep. My body is hating me right now :(. Actually it probably has been hating me for a while now. I hardly have any energy lately and it's so hard for me to get my day started. I feel almost helpless to everything but I don't know why, so it ends up sounding like a bad excuse. I mean why else would I possibly feel like this. I don't feel like going to school or studying, have no energy to work out, never get around to keeping everything tidy, can't eat right. I'm just a big mess. Oh and I stay up till crazy hours like this. So on top of everything I get no sleep. Sorry body. :( for abusing you so badly. In a way I hate you so I do it on purpose. I hate you because of your imperfections and because u got fat. So maybe I can torture you enough to change.
On top of everything, things can get soooo damn complicated with Arthur. Sometimes I feel like he takes everything to heart. He also let's me down a lot on little things. But they just get to the point where they add up and become a big mess. Were always pointing fingers at each other when we argue. I just want to know that he sees my side but instead I feel like he tries to find something to pin on me to get outta it. It's just getting so old. Were engaged and suppose to be all in love n stuff. But it's hardly like that. And even when it begins to be my bubble is quickly burst w the reminder of reality I guess. I'm not saying I'm perfect either. But I am very particular...
So guess what! Yes, I finally decided to go against my life long aspersions of being an optometrist. I know I know last time we talked I was telling u how I wasn't going to give up n achieving that would have been a major accomplishment for me. Which it probably would have after all the suffering. However now that I'm engaged life isn't as simple or just all about me. I started thinking about my future. I figured 2-3 yrs to get my BA then from there there is no guarantee that I'll get in the first few years let alone at all. So let's say I get accepted in new York what am I gonna do? Leave everything I know n love behind me? Then it's another 4 years??? So pretty much I'm not exactly gonna be young. And as much as having a good future and successful career have been an ultimate dream for me, I have realized that within those crucial years of my life I will also be faced with other opportunities that I do not want to pass up on. I believe that I can still achieve this dream by going about it another way. So I have decided to change my major to *drumrolllll* business. Yup. I'm so sick of the sciences. And if later being an optometrist is still something I want I still have an opportunity to I just have to take a few classes. So I am looking forward to this change and hoping it would bring me a new found motivation to do my best in this new chapter in my life.
Well. There is so much in my head that needs to be sorted. So I'm going to attempt once again to try to sleep n let it sort itself out. Till next time...
