Overwhelmed.

My Gosh, I don't even know where to start. There is a million and three things going through my head right now and I cant even begin to sort them out. There is school, wedding planning, finding a home, work, family ahhhhhh...

School will be done this week, as we are in FINALS WEEK! I am stressing out over everything that needs to be done (projects) and all the studying I need to do, because Lord knows I totally zoned out like 3/4 of the semester! I REALLY need to pass my classes though because I am so sick of wasting my life on school. I sacrifice so much throughout the semester and it sucks so bad when I end up failing and have to do it allll over and sacrifice more just for something that could have been done by now. I can't believe I have been going to school for 5+ years now! And the worst part about it is that I have no idea where I'm going with this. I have lost all passion for anything school related. On top of it, I have NO IDEA what I want to "be". Nada. I was soooo sure I was going to be an optometrist. But now, I just don't want to do anything. This makes everything so much harder because I have nothing to work for. But what can I possibly want to do as a JOB for the rest of my life?? Man, I have no idea. :(
On top of that, this wedding planning really takes soo much effort on my part. It's so hard making your ideas into a reality and on top of it trying to stay on budget. There is still so much left to do. We need to find a florist (I have no idea on how my center piece should look), cake bakery, DJ, Limo, bridesmaid dresses. On top of that we had a couple drop out due to the possibility she might get accepted to school, yet if she doesn't, she would love to be a part of it. (????) And her boyfriend won't do it to begin with. We argued so much about this couple to begin with and I lost a bridesmaid because I had to put her in and not the other girls sister whom I've known like my whole life. Anywho, now I have to deal with that. Then there is deciding where to go on a honeymoon. Who thought that would be so stressful?? And DARE I MENTION...a home. oh man. It's such a big and stressful decision. I'm just praying we get lucky.
My mom was suppose to be our agent, but she has been very ill lately, and hasn't been up to much. As if my dad not working wasn't enough, now she has been staying home. Things have just been so financially hard, and it's just killing me! I just really hope things start looking up really soon.

On the bright side, we had our chirstmas party for work last night. One of the best nights of my life! we went to go see Michael Buble play live, but not before a fancy dinner at the Anaheim White House! :) Oh my gosh was he beyond AMAZING though! His voice is like magic! I just had such a wonderful night and am sooo greatfull to my boss to making this dream come true. I am over all very happy with where I work. I actually can see it being a long term thing (minus the pay). The girls can get pretty catty sometimes, and have gotten it to the point where I've really hated it there, but overall I am pretty content.

I really feel like this stress has ruined me physically. I have become sooo physically out of shape. I hate being like this, ESPECIALLY as a bride to be. This needs to change FAST! And on top of it, I just don't feel "pretty" anymore. :(
I just feel like I need to find myself again. I've lost my identity and my passions in life. I'm approaching a major point in my life and I have to get myself together already. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.

"The commitments you make determine who you can become.....and the commitments you honor define who you are."

It seems like I just want to start running but I don't know where to. I feel so scattered in my life that I can't commit to or focus on one thing. Where do i see myself in 5 years? In 10 years? I dont know. It's so weird because 5 years ago I had my ENTIRE life planned out. I would graduate optometry school, meet the man of my dreams, get married, have my own optometry, make beautiful babies and just live the dream. But now, I just feel lost in a sea of unknowns. My biggest concern is my career. What do I see myself doing for the rest of my life? Something that will make GREAT money, yet would be flexible with my schedule and allow for me to be a dedicated wife and mother. I often wonder exactly what Arthur's career would be like. How fast will he move up and reach his goals? How much is he capable of? What doors will life open for him? How successful will he be? I pray that we get to live a comfortable life. I understand that life can't always be peachy, but I hope were okay for the most part.

I want to be able to have a goal so I can laser focus on it and go for it. Right now there is way to much going on. Wedding planning, school, work, family/friends, and house work. I'm finding it so hard to be able to focus on somethings without losing track of the other. Hopefully within the next year, once I'm married and settled, I will be able to understand what I want out of life so I can commit and go for it.

23

Wow. So I'm officially 23! I'm also officially jobless, not currently attending school, and have a new tan. Unofficially, this is my last birthday before I am married. Crazy huh? Is this seriously my life? Married in less then a year?? Jobless???? When have I ever been jobless?? Let me catch you up. Just as I was very officially hating my job, dreading dragging myself there and hating every moment being there, they decided they wanted to let me go. They needed to make budget cuts because the economy is slow and they need a new computer program to replace their lame ancient stupid one. Honestly I cried. I cried because it was on their terms n not mine and I cried because I had never experienced this before and I always imagined I would cry if it happen so I cried. I cried long and hard. But honestly I just want to say a big FUCK YOU to you guys. Especially to Nancy. You fat bitch. Phew. Now that I got that off my chest... Honestly it was such a blessing in disguise. I desperately needed a break. I was falling apart. My life was falling apart. I know God does everything for a reason just as I am sure he did that for a reason. Possibly because he saw me bursting at the seams. I am so grateful for not working there any more and that's the damn truth. I have been hesitantly looking, as staying home is so much better and have come across a particular job among a few that I was interested in that I really like. In fact at this point in my life I may go as far as calling it my temporary dream job. It's in Fullerton where I will be attending school and where I would like to live after marriage. Also, the office seems very pleasant. Pray for me.
Also, I am excited to start a new adventure at Cal State Fullerton this coming semester. I feel like I had become too complacent at Fullerton college and just needed to get out. I am very disappointed to say that this past semester was a total waste. I didn't pass either of the two classes I had enrolled in and my job sucked. I pretty much failed in everything I attempted last semester. Even my relationships. I had given up on my relationship with my own brother and my relationship with my fiancé was and sometimes still is on the rocks. I had lost control of my own life and the only button working was the eject button and that's what I did. I have ejected myself from that old college that hold so much of my past that it wasn't letting me move forward. I ejected myself from that shitty job. I ejected myself from the bio major. And I almost ejected myself from my relationships but realized it is those that break my fall. And that they indeed are a great part of my future. So I am very excited to start this new experience in my life.
Basically my whole life I've always rushed into the future no matter what point in my life I was in. When I was a little girl I couldn't wait to grow up. I couldn't wait to wear make up. Couldn't wait to have a boyfriend. To drive my own car so I can listen to my own music as loud as I wanted. To get proposed to. To plan my wedding. Etc. Alll these things I couldn't wait to do. So I pretty much rushed all of it. Now I miss it. I miss my childhood. Miss just being a kid. Playing around. Having a million opportunities at my feet. But even to this day I can't wait to move onward with my life. But I was soo stuck and realized that this wasn't me. I realized that I was just carrying so much from my past that it had become too hard to move on. Too hard to see what's right in front of me. I felt like those cars that are so weighed down they get stuck in a muddy ditch n no matter how much you rev the engine your not going anywhere. You either need to unload or get a push. Well I got both. I have unloaded old friend impostors. Old lame jobs. Old schools and all the memories they entail. I have forgiven and forgotten. I am at such a place right now that I feel like I have a clean slate. I now, at this moment feel like I am at the best place in my life I have ever been. I am surrounded by people that have nothing but love and support for me and I have a clean slate to start laying the foundation for the rest of my life! I am happier now then I have been with any job, boyfriend, class, or friend that I have ever had. I feel more empowered then ever. So empowered that even as I type this last paragraph, I can't believe what a positive spin it has on it. I should be miserable right now. Jobless, not going to school, etc etc. But no this is it. 23 is it. It's the year that changes the rest of my life. The year it all begins. I am going to purge my life of all my extra baggage and move forward and take it all in. This is it. I feel great! Watch me make it to the top, world. I won't settle for anything less. This is it...

Confused

So tomorrow is a big day for me, as I am graduating from FJC. Next semester I begin my journey at Cal State Fullerton.......I'm so excited to have finally began my next step towards my future...but its exactly that which I'm so confused about. For over a decade, I have been convinced that my calling was to be an optometrist. I shifted all my gears towards that and immersed myself in the field. Initially, everything was great, I was going to go to college, get my AA, transfer to a Cal State, get my BA in bio, then transfer to SCCO. I would have my OD in no time and everything would be great. Everyone was so proud of me, excited for me, but most importantly, I was so excited for myself. I could imagine all the great things I would have and what a great successful future I would have. But things didn't go exactly as planned. I have been at my college for 5 years...and each day, especially towards the end has been nothing but a struggle. Its gotten to the point where I convinced myself that optometry just wasn't for me. I just didn't get it. I don't get the science classes, the math classes. Also, there is Arthur...Now that he is in my life...it changes things. I can't just focus on school...I'm going to have to keep a household, take care of him, and eventually start a family. I cant just take my time with school. Am I thinking into this too much? Trying to plan into the future too much? Honestly, I'm SOOO scared. What if I stick with optometry but I fail? I don't do good in school, or after I get my BA, I don't get accepted into optometry school, or after I get my OD I can't find a job I'm happy with.... So, I convinced myself that majoring in business was what I wanted to do instead. This way, I'll graduate in about two years (so I thought), just in time to start thinking about having a family and what not. But I found out today that its not that easy to just switch into business. and that I would have to kinda start from the bottom there too. So that's probably going to be another 3-4 years. What if I decide to go with business...but what if I regret it. What if I always wish I gave optometry a chance. Or what if I choose business to give starting a family a chance, but that doesn't go as planned, or if plans change...UGH! I wish the answer was clearer. I wish I knew in my heart what I needed to do. I don't want to be the bread winner in the family, but I don't know if I'll regret it later. Getting to optometry is going to be a very very long road. And I think I've made my load heavier by getting involved in a relationship. I don't even know where I see myself in 10 years anymore. ....I don't even know where I see myself next year...and that's the scariest part.

Sleepless.

So it's 4:30 as I start writing this. I can't fall asleep. My body is hating me right now :(. Actually it probably has been hating me for a while now. I hardly have any energy lately and it's so hard for me to get my day started. I feel almost helpless to everything but I don't know why, so it ends up sounding like a bad excuse. I mean why else would I possibly feel like this. I don't feel like going to school or studying, have no energy to work out, never get around to keeping everything tidy, can't eat right. I'm just a big mess. Oh and I stay up till crazy hours like this. So on top of everything I get no sleep. Sorry body. :( for abusing you so badly. In a way I hate you so I do it on purpose. I hate you because of your imperfections and because u got fat. So maybe I can torture you enough to change.
On top of everything, things can get soooo damn complicated with Arthur. Sometimes I feel like he takes everything to heart. He also let's me down a lot on little things. But they just get to the point where they add up and become a big mess. Were always pointing fingers at each other when we argue. I just want to know that he sees my side but instead I feel like he tries to find something to pin on me to get outta it. It's just getting so old. Were engaged and suppose to be all in love n stuff. But it's hardly like that. And even when it begins to be my bubble is quickly burst w the reminder of reality I guess. I'm not saying I'm perfect either. But I am very particular...
So guess what! Yes, I finally decided to go against my life long aspersions of being an optometrist. I know I know last time we talked I was telling u how I wasn't going to give up n achieving that would have been a major accomplishment for me. Which it probably would have after all the suffering. However now that I'm engaged life isn't as simple or just all about me. I started thinking about my future. I figured 2-3 yrs to get my BA then from there there is no guarantee that I'll get in the first few years let alone at all. So let's say I get accepted in new York what am I gonna do? Leave everything I know n love behind me? Then it's another 4 years??? So pretty much I'm not exactly gonna be young. And as much as having a good future and successful career have been an ultimate dream for me, I have realized that within those crucial years of my life I will also be faced with other opportunities that I do not want to pass up on. I believe that I can still achieve this dream by going about it another way. So I have decided to change my major to *drumrolllll* business. Yup. I'm so sick of the sciences. And if later being an optometrist is still something I want I still have an opportunity to I just have to take a few classes. So I am looking forward to this change and hoping it would bring me a new found motivation to do my best in this new chapter in my life.
Well. There is so much in my head that needs to be sorted. So I'm going to attempt once again to try to sleep n let it sort itself out. Till next time...

Engagement Bliss! : }

I can't believe it's been about a month and a half since Arthur and I got officially engaged! It is crazy how everything just fell into place...and turned out perfect! All in all, I just feel sooo blessed to have found my soul mate at this point in my life! I can not wait to spend eternity with him! I'm sure this upcoming year will be filled with some of our best times, as we plan our wedding, and enjoy our engagement!

I start school next week...and as much as I have enjoyed winter break, I am ready for yet another semester, and what is hopefully going to be my last before I attend Cal State. I am nervous and excited at the same time, as I'm sure its going to be a whole new experience. I really feel that once I begin my classes there, I will have a refreshed motivation towards my career goals of becoming an optometrist. At times, it seems like such a big mountain to climb, and with so many distractions, I find it soo easy to get side tracked, and to even say, hey, forget about optometry. I really hope I can continue to stay on track and not get distracted by life. I am sure that once I accomplish this, (probably one of the biggest accomplishments of my life) I will be soo glad and proud of myself, and I'm sure my family will as well! I am so glad to have Arthur by my side during this time, as he has been a GREAT support system for me! I've never had someone believe in me so much! (THANK YOU BABE!) I have realized how easy it would be to..., well take the easy way out, but I am so determined to challenge myself and push myself to do something great. I know that it will be worth it years later, when I achieve the lifestyle I have always imagined! I just have to have FAITH and just find my motivation and drive.

Just over three months ago, I started my new job at an optometry office that was suppose to be busier then the one I was currently at...and although I cant say I'm 100% happy as to the point where I can see myself there forever, I think it has been a positive step in my career. Not to mention that I don't see myself working through college...these science classes drain you! But with the planning of a wedding, and starting off on our own, its not going to be a easy decision. I suppose I will work as long as I can, but at what point do I say, okay, this is where I stop contributing financially, and start focusing on my education? I feel almost as though there will never be a " right time" for that...especially with our given circumstances. I'm just hoping that things will work themselves out.

I have such split feelings about my future! The part I am most looking forward to is not having to say good bye to Arthur every night! :) It's the worst having to be away from him. I'm so excited about picking our own place, and decorating it, furnishing it, and calling it our own! I would imagine that I would be very meticulous about our home and its cleanliness, but what if I feel lazy? Or what if I am so overwhelmed with work and/or school?? Does that mean I'm not ready?? :-/ And I must admit, my menu is NOT very extensive...I need to get a cook book and start bugging momma and grandma for some recipes! :) Hope Arthur wont be ordering pizza behind my back. lol There are just lots of unknowns about our future, but I guess that's what make it exciting! Obviously, I'm going to try to be the best wifey ever and make Arthur as happy and as proud as I possibly can!

Well, considering that tomorrow is my second to last day off before school starts, I should go to bed so I can wake up and be ready for Arthur to come over for lunch then ...well who knows!
Till next time, ...CIAO!